He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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