just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
