Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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