I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
