Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my sisters under your porch take her home
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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