I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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