I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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