Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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