I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
