im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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