i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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