my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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