have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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