I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
