So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
