why didn't you poke me back
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
