allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
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