Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
