It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's the barista slut.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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