Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Someone came in the potted fern
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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