Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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