Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
