drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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