There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
