I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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