When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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