I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize