the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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