Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
