Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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