Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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