She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
His nipple licking is glorious
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