i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
