well I can't set my house on fire every night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
