a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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