we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
