I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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