Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
