I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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