Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
