How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
