dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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