It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
