the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
