Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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