Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
