I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
