On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
soo... how was my night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
