I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
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You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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