I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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