No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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