cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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