so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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