Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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