But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
