i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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