why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
