Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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